A pink floyd song, close to my heart!

"Coming Back To Life"

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

To all those who do not know what yearning is!

The red moon in the sky, how beautiful it could have been after being eclipsed last night! The cold breeze and delhi's traffic pasing along when you are sitting in a slow moving auto, the headlights glaring at you, street lights gleaming unthankfully and the continuos honking which is annoying. With someone talking to you, hearing certain experiences make you ponder upon certain situations and happenings in your life. Exactly this is what I went through in the evening today. I spent a huge amount, got momentary happiness and a bulk of guilt while returning :P

I kept thinking about those who don't have yearning for what they claim to be theirs, who do not long to be with them despite of saying "I miss you." It happens with all of us, We dread to lose some people, some articles in our lives for their invaluable existence. I somewhere started wishing that I could be as cold and unreachable. But suddenly something panged in me and I pitied those who couldn't feel the way I could, human beings could!

For those who couldn't realise what yearning is, what longing means, how difficult it is to wait and what a pure emotion comes out of experiencing it all, I would pray for them :) 

The moon couldn't be mine

i didn't stop looking at it

i still wished

i still dreamt

i still hoped..

Growing up

The eyes, those very innocent..
were waiting
for the figure which appeared each evening
and took her back
to 'their' home.
Seeing her mother
from that balcony
made her smile with joy
and she rushed down
the staircase.
she never hugged, nor did she jump.
The emotion remained concealed.

The mind, which was growing,
started observing
people, places and politics.
With each word she read,
each person she met,
she felt a stronger desire
to talk more
to know more
to engage herself.
She never said it, nor did she show.
The want remained quiet.

The heart, profound,
had felt the happiness
and the grief
all along.
Life was as it is suppossed to be,
And she was growing.
The wait had been long.
Eyes, still in search
and the mind, still trying to figure out.
She never denied the feeling, nor did she supress it.
The pain remained throbbing.

Rains

And it rains
the breeze, cold
the fragrance, wet
the night, alone
the eyes, wandering
the mind, hay-wired
the heart, longing
the wait, endless.

The Suppression

when the eyes are filled
with tears
and the mind with angst
everyone asks tou to
lead a life of fear
but you say, please take a stand.
You want to scream
out at the world
and break free
but you keep holding
for your bitter tongue
creates havoc
And you are reminded
again and again
of the ways of the world
and the expectations of many.
And you think,
think hard and wonder
"why did I grow to be
what I am"
Indeed it is tough
to say out loud
that I refuse'to be a part of this crowd.
And then you are shooed
all your aspirations die
The rebel in you
sits and thinks,
"Okay! lets give it a try!"

Jagjit Singh-The man with golden voice

He had a voice of silk, sang words straight from heart and made us think while listening to his songs. Jagjit Singh was mesmerising. Apne hothon par sajana chahta hoon, aa tujhe main gungunana chahta hoon. I sing it for him today, he would stay in our hearts and so would his songs in our mind and his voice in our souls.

I grew up listening to songs of Jagjit and Chitra, unconsciously our minds were swaying to his tunes, and we realised only on growing up what his songs meant to us.  Songs like kothey te aa mahiya, Chhareyan di joon buri.. bring smile to our faces even today. How I regret having not attended even a single live concert by him. His live performances were most loved for he had a sense of humour and a knack to connect to the audience in his unique way. The kurta-pyjama clad singer with his harmonium, he was the most stylish ghazal singer ever!

Aapko dekh kar dekhta reh gaya.. I feel the song is written for me. Garaj baras pyaasi dharti par phir paani de maula.. the song  is the best ever, lyrical and thought-provoking, I have never heard a more honest song! Jhuki jhuki si nazar, the classic in all ways. Wo kagaz ki kashti wo barish ka pani, one song everyone relates to. Jagjit singh had something about him; He could sing any song with such ease and bring life to all the words.

Hoshwalon ko khabar kya bekhudi kya cheez hai, His songs had a satire which would make anyone wonder about life and indulge in some profound thoughts. As he said in one of his songs, Jhooth wale kahin se kahin badh gaye, aur main tha ke sach bolta reh gaya..Aandhiyon ke irade toh achhe na the, ye diya kaise jalta reh gaya.. This is what I meant by satire in his songs! This reminds me of some more lines from another song where he sang fir moorat se bahar aakar charon aur bikhar ja, fir mandir ko koi meera deewani de maula..

This is an ode to the maestro and my favourite songs by him. Maut bhi main shayrana chahta hoon,Indeed Mr. Singh :)

The afterglow and the kite trail

As a kid, running behind butterflies and following the dragonflies was an indulgence none of us can deny of. But my favorite activity was to watch fireflies, hidden in the bushes.. My dad used to take us to the airport to see the planes taking off and landing on those glittering long roads, sparkling on both the sides. What I used to watch were the streaks of light these little insects made. How all these memories came rushing back while returning from Jim Corbett National Park a few weeks back. And how I realized that the fireflies and their lighted backs still amaze me. Watching the dark fields with sparkling little insects glowing all along the way took me to another state altogether, a state called "being happy". I always wanted to hold one but never had the courage enough to catch it for the fear of hurting it. Watching them from the window of that fast moving bus on a long highway took me back to my childhood.

The rainy season brings along a lot of pleasures, the pleasure of drizzles, rainbows and pakoras! But the one I like the most is-KITES. I have always had this habit of watching people flying kites. I have been a good assistant to many of them too! The way this piece of paper makes way through the air and is being handled just by a thin thread is so fascinating that one loses himself watching it.. As it treads its path so free-spirited, undecided yet in a controlled motion, the direction and the flow, we observe the biggest paradox! Another oxymoron in life, and so real.
Even today I go to my terrace to watch kids on the top distant buildings, flying kites, shouting, running and enjoying the spirit, the spirit of being free..

These little things had fantasized me when I was a kid. Dumped in some corner of my mind, I forgot about their existence. This season when they returned to my conscience, I realized how I was leaving behind my childhood. But I guess i have managed to hold on to them because they still bring joy to me and like everyone, I am still a child inside.

Living with illusions

A girl younger to me, who even happens to be my sister messaged a few lines to me. She said, "Reality is just a shared illusion, what say you?" And by chance I had been thinking of this word for quite some days now. It is a strange word but sounds so sweet - IILUSION!

Our existence in the world is mere illusion, for our souls have been breathing in this worldly plane and are born again and again. Heavy philosophy! I know.. But the truth is that we are all a part of a cosmic conspiracy whose roots lie in just one source of energy. The energy keeps changing forms and is transformed from one being to another. Like cells we keep dividing. Yet we are so scared of death for it involves losing our identity and our existence. Just dare to think once, its actually not that difficult. A woman goes through the cycle of birth and death in her body every month, and she understands it deeply. A man does it by being a witness to it.

We all live under the impression of loving or being loved by someone. We get attached to people around and start caring for them, its all a part of the 'palace of illusions' we build around ourselves. But there is nothing to complain about it. We are happy being a part of such an arrangement.

But.. the question remains unanswered for me, what she asked me that day, Is reality too a shared illusion?? 

The other side

she felt complete when you held her hand

in the dreams she walked with you

to the lake till morning bright

and slept with that memory every night

 she felt complete when you smiled at her

on the terrace 

you stared at her gleaming face

that night, you made her heart race

 she felt complete when she wore your t-shirt

that one hanging lose

but the warmth and smell

she is still under its spell

 she felt complete when they walked along

in search of the station

spending a day in the heart of a garden

dreaming of a song to be sung in arden

 she felt complete sitting with you

in a lonely afternoon

at a lonely fort

and the memory is still not distort

 she feels incomplete today

trying to solve the puzzle

life is a mystery

and she works hard

each day to overcome the jittery!!

I Remember..

I remember the time..
we held our hands,
the time we walked
in the alleys of a secluded 'ferozeshah kotla';
the moment we clicked
the circle on the wall.

I remember the smile
that was given on a cafe terrace,
the hug at the metro station,
and the surprise peck on the cheek
secretly at the new delhi station.

I remember the firm grip on my hand
in the bustling sunday market,
the glance in the reflection in an auto
which caught me by surprise.

I remember the sunny day
spent walkin in the heart of chandni chowk,
the evenin in a pub
at connaught place,
when we secretly blushed at each other.

I remember the hands held
under the table.
And a walk on a long road,
after the wishlist was written.
ah! twas magical.

I remember the look in your eyes
when i stared at you in the mirror
and we chose something for me..
i even remember the way our hands touched
when we walked in the streets
and i was disappointed.

I remember the longing
i had
for you to come and say
i am back and won't leave you ever.
and the last memory i have
is of a boy who left me
all alone in the crowd
when i came to hear him say something,
something special.

The days were beautiful, blissful
and would stay with us for life.
whether you are there or not
i promise i would smile
for i saw them and felt them with you.

Let it flow..

If we can smile in happiness, why do we hesitate to let the tears flow in sadness? The emotions and the depth of feelings our tears make us experience is pure. And while I write this note, the water in my eyes explore the contours on my face and find a path down to my neck. Ah! experiencing the void within can be so difficult.

I smile the whole day, share gossips and giggle around. And when I sit with myself, my "Best friends" appear in my eyes. My sister finds it too confusing when I manage to cry and smile-together. She always asked me to decide what I really wanted to do!

The memories are very powerful. They can make you laugh your heart out when you are accompanied by your friends. And, they can melt your heart & moisten your eyes when you are all on your own.

But.. this flow of emotion is very important for it cleanses our soul and lightens our heart. Unfulfilled dreams, unmatched deals, distant expectations and loathsome words-these all hurt us and stay registered in our heats to make us cry time and again. Needless to say, Dad's appreciation , mom's gentle touch and a friend's hug makes the water of emotion find a path for itself too.

"Tears are as natural to us as breathing and there is beauty in allowing yourself to be open to the pain of tears.

How wonderful it feels to give in and let tears flow when we are overwhelmed with emotions, whether we are happy or sad. Tears come from the soul, from our well of feelings rising from deep down".

As I pen this down, my tears keep rolling back and forth and again I smile and I cry- all together, just to confuse my sister yet again :P

This photograph was taken from REUTERS. The pain experienced by the lady is so visible and the emotion so pure.

Accept the modest responsibilities today!

Every act of consideration, how minute it might appear 


on face, is backed by so many efforts of the unseen 


faces; But some of them are so oftenly seen, that we 


tend to ignore what difference they have been making in 


our lives.


No act is too insignificant. For my mum, Who wakes me up 


shouting each day, scorns at me when I get back home 


late and almost kills me when I induldge in an arguement 


with her. All the efforts she makes throughout the day, 


and doing so from so many years have came along so 


unnoticed. Her effort to send us to school, then to 


creche, then to tuitions and then to college. We grew 


up, so busy during our adolescence, unaware of the 


difficulties of raising children. Today on realising, we 


still fail to give her the due. And she understands, 


demanding nothing but ears to hear her routine, a touch 


to assure that no matter what, we are there and a smile 


to tell her that all is well. The little things a mother 


does, cannot be replaced by anything in the world.


For my sister, who listened to all my stories with such 


an interest in her eyes, she came to me for every little 


decision to be taken calling me 'didi, didi'.. Gone are 


those days now, but those moments stay etched in our 


hearts. Today we sit and chat, but that innocence is 


long gone. We still have sweet little nothings to offer 


to each other, which makes a lot of difference.


I particularly mentioned these two faces for they hold a 


great importance for me and I forget to acknowledge 


their presence each day. And today, I realise how 


special they are to me for all the gestures and smiles 


exchanged are far above the growls and fights we tend to 


share!

This night

This night, Ah! stark black
why cant i see clearly
where am i heading..
why do you keep coming
back and again
smile at me,
make fun of me..
Why do i still feel
your gentle touch
caressing my face
that only holds
an expression of being lost today.

This night
reminds me of so many nights
when we walked to those mountains
hand-in-hand
stayed in seclusion
oh! how dreamy were we!
unaware of the realities
we had to face.

and here it is
this night,
when i can only long for you
and can't express it
for the wall that
was built between us
holding a lamp
which you and i
refused to light
and chose to remain
alone, in this night.